If there’s one thing that God has taught me or is teaching me through this season of being home is that it’s alright not to have it all together. It’s okay to question and doubt. It’s okay not to be okay. Sometimes you just need a good crying session because life is falling apart.
We are going on 9 weeks of being stuck at home and I’m surprised that I actually haven’t snapped yet. LOL Well that’s a lie. I might’ve snapped a few times by myself alone in my room. You see when this whole pandemic first started of course I was concerned but didn’t really think too much about it until it hit home. The end of March my mom was getting really sick. Sick to the point where she was showing symptoms and needed to get tested and checked out. Everything happened way too fast in my opinion that left my head spinning trying to process everything. Within a week from her first getting sick she ended up being admitted to the hospital.
Let me just say if you have been following me for any time now you know my personality is that it takes me time to process and in this situation I really didn’t have any time to. Mom was in the hospital for 12 days and let’s just say for me it was probably just as much hell as it was for her. My anxiety went through the roof and I wasn’t eating or sleeping really well either. I was really torn up inside. Slowly I was falling apart.
Of course I had the support of my friends and family but I really felt all alone. I was trying to be strong but it was killing me. The one thing that I needed and wanted the most, I couldn’t have. My heart ached and longed for the hugs of my friends, the support and just having them right there with me. It really killed me inside that it wasn’t possible to have anyone over. Now I had facetime and all but it wasn’t the same. I was scared, lonely and angry. I don’t think I felt this alone before in my life.
Now I know what you are thinking, Grace aren’t you a Christian? Don’t you know that God is with you? Don’t you know He is good? You just have to trust Him. You need to snap out of this mood. You shouldn’t be stressed or worried because He is in control. While I know all this and I wish I could say that I really believed it to be true but than I would be lying to you and to myself. I didn’t understand why this was happening. How could God allow this? I knew the truth and I knew that He is good but right now, in that moment I just couldn’t feel it. I really felt like a bad Christian for even thinking these thoughts and doubting. I beat myself up because I felt like I should’ve had bigger faith. I felt like a failure for having my emotions and feelings. Honestly it got to the point of me just wanting to give up and walk away. I needed a break.
I reached out to a few friends and my mentor. They all reminded me of the same thing. It’s okay to feel these things. It doesn’t change the fact that I am still a daughter of the King. It shows that I am human and my feelings were valid. This was just a season that I was going through. It would pass but until then it was okay to fall apart. Just don’t stay like that.
My mom got better and was released from the hospital on Easter Sunday. I thought with having her back home things would start to look up and get better. I was so wrong. Just when things couldn’t get worse they did. That Sunday night after getting mom settled I felt really sick, fever and chills, sick in my stomach. I just thought it was the stress and everything catching up with me. I was feeling better the next day. However, I had a cough that had been lingering since the middle of February so the doctor wanted me to go get an x-ray to make sure nothing else was wrong. I went that Thursday and that’s when things took a turn for the worst.
My x-ray showed something on my one lung that looked like pneumonia that came from COVID-19. I needed to go get tested again. Over the weekend, I was super concerned about the test results. Sunday night I had a really uneasy feeling. I felt like something was wrong and that the results were going to be bad. At first, I just thought that I was letting my head get the best of me but something in my gut was telling me it’s not good. I started spiraling fast and reached out to Kaitlyn. She called me that night and prayed for me. I felt better and had some peace about it. Monday I find out that my results came back positive.
So once again started being isolated in my room and upstairs. For like 2 weeks I was stuck upstairs by myself. It was definitely an interesting journey to say the least. My emotions and anxiety was off the scale. I was overwhelmed and just wished and prayed that I would wake up and this all be a huge mistake and nightmare. However that wasn’t the case. The loneliness was real friends. I’m an introvert at heart but the alone time was almost more than even I could stand.
There were multiple times where I cried myself to sleep or didn’t sleep much at all. I would pray, listen to worship music and just think. It was super hard to not let my thoughts and emotions and feelings go to my head. All the what ifs and why me scenarios were coming to my mind.
One thing God taught me through that time was it was okay to feel. It was okay to not be okay. Everything was falling apart but it brought me closer to Him.
While I am on the mend and pretty much over this whole virus. I really have been struggling with finding a new normal. Finding new rhythms and routine. My perspective on a lot have changed and I am learning new things everyday. The most important thing is that I have been pressing into Him more and more through all of this. I just want to show up and let God work through me. Work through this one hot mess express.
My encouragement for you is this. I know this season is hard on everyone. There are so many opinions out there over this whole pandemic. While I am not trying to diminish anyone’s feelings I would like to say as someone who was hit hard with COVID within my family don’t take the little things for granted. We will get through this season together with God’s strength. Use this time to grow closer to Him. Just show up and be the real authentic you. When you do it’s amazing how God can use you. Just be willing to be used.