Two years ago I wrote this post but when I relaunched the blog it was lost in the transfer. I’d like to take a moment to share it with you again with some slight changes.
Everyone has lost a loved one sometime in their life. The pain never really goes away but does get easier as time goes on. I lost a very special person in my life. My grandma who I always called Nanna went to be with Jesus on January 17th 2016. Its been two years since she passed away but the fact of the matter is how did I accept this? How did I go back to normal days? When I will I stop crying? I’m sure if you are like me you have asked these same questions.
I would like to write today about how God and Jesus plays a big part in my healing process. It is so easy to turn away from God, place blame on yourself when something like this happens. You may think, why did they have to die? Why didn’t God answer my prayers? Where was He when I needed him? Trust me, everyone probably at one time or another have thought these questions I mentioned. I for one have thought it but thank God I know the truth. Don’t get me wrong, the pain was real, the anger was real, the hurt was real but so is God.
When I think of all the negative thoughts and questions I realize it was satan trying to destroy me and push me deeper into being depressed. In fact I went into a very deep depression.
I made it through the funeral and memorial service as best as I could but the next few weeks were the hardest. I couldn’t face the thought of jumping right back into reality. There were things that needed to get done and places I needed to go but I was having a really hard time doing them. Most days I just cried and wanted to stay in bed. My stomach was upset and I didn’t want to eat. All I wanted was for the pain to go away and have my grandma back.
One thing I struggled with was the fact that I didn’t want to be social at all. It just hurt too much. People asking me how I was and telling me they are sorry for my loss and that they were praying for me. I felt so fake. I would just tell them that I was fine or hanging in there. I even faked it at church. One Sunday I told a friend that I felt like a fake Christian. I acted like I was fine when inside I was torn apart. Sometimes I just wanted to scream at people saying “how do you think I am? my grandma just died.” I know they only meant well but that didn’t make me feel any better.
There were times that I was angry and overwhelmed. Times where I cried out to God saying how much more of this do I have to take. Why did she have to die? I never got to say to goodbye. I felt like my life was shattered and broken in a million tiny pieces. I felt weak and realized that I wasn’t strong.
Usually I am the strong one and there for everyone else and now I needed them to be there for me. I was blessed by having very close friends that I could tell how I really felt. They listened to me and helped me a lot.
Then I remembered that God never lets me go. Even though tough times come He will never leave me and I am not alone.
Even though the first few months have been especially hard for me. I am so thankful I had a great support team of friends and family. Without them and Jesus I would be a hot mess. Even though this hurts and I feel part of me died with her I know she is in Heaven happy with Jesus and in no more pain. One thing is because of Jesus I know I will see Nanna again someday.
One song that I held on to the most during that difficult dark time in my life was “Tell Your Heart to Beat Again” by Danny Gokey. It has a great message for times like this when you lose a loved one. I encourage you to go take a listen. You can find the song on YouTube or Spotify.
The part of the lyrics that really stuck out to me were…
”Let every heartbreak and every scar, be a picture that reminds you who has carried you this far. ‘Cause love sees farther than you ever could. In this moment Heaven’s working everything for your good.”
Then of course I love the chorus of the song as well.
So fast forward two years later and I am happy to say that I am in a place where I got back to my life. It doesn’t mean the paint and hurt isn’t there because that will never go away. What it does mean is that God has been healing my broken heart and reminding me that He is faithful and He will never let me go.
I encourage whoever is reading this that no matter what storm you have to go through never loose sight of Jesus. Without Him you can never feel whole again.
Blessings, Grace Mae ❤